Britzes Don't Clap at Movies

On my way home from work a few days ago, it occurred to me out of the blue that our child will grow up thinking it’s normal to clap at the movie theater.  I was stunned.  At that moment I vowed to make certain you are fully aware that this is NOT normal.  In fact, in all my life I have not once experienced this phenomenon anywhere outside of Los Angeles.  You can ask me why, but I don’t have an answer.  Perhaps people here believe that there is a chance that someone who worked on the movie may actually be at the same theater and showtime and that it would be rude not to acknowledge their work.  I’m not really sure.  Do people in the movie business really go to normal showings with the rest of us?  I assume the answer is no.  Regardless, my point here is simply that this is not normal and you don’t have to do it.

On that note, it’s also not normal to watch the credits at the end of a movie.  So when half the theater is getting up to walk out and the people next to you give you a dirty look as they sit, unmoving to watch 20 minutes of names scrolling across the screen, know that you don’t have to stay for that either.

As I thought about it more, I realized that a child growing up in Los Angeles is going to have an entirely different view of what is normal.  And I have to admit, I was a little sad.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love being here.  But I also know that there are plenty of things that I don’t like and as we raise a child, I’m certain more and more of those will start to show up.  In the meantime, I am making it my goal to identify some of those things and make sure you have enough of your daddy and me in you that you never turn too Hollywood on us.  Here’s a start:

Barring any actual eye disorders, wearing sunglasses indoors is not acceptable.  Taking your dog to the grocery store is a No-No.  U-turns are not as widely acceptable in other parts of the country.  Keep this in mind when you are old enough to drive and inevitably venture outside the state.  If you are a girl or ever have a girlfriend, please understand that heels are NOT required.  This is particularly important if you find yourself hiking, at the beach, or on a motorcycle.  Though let’s just agree right now that you will never find yourself on a motorcycle, okay?

And on the topic of motorcycles:  watch out!  Nowhere else is it acceptable to drive between lanes and let’s face it, why would anyone want to?  I’ve seen entirely too many cyclists that zoomed by me on the freeway later laying sprawled out on the side of the road next to an ambulance when I catch up.  Can we once again agree that you will never find yourself on a motorcycle, for any reason?

Though it may one day seem normal to you, it is actually really cool to see places you know in movies, TV shows, and commercials.  Best Foods = Hellman’s, Ralphs = Kroger, Carl’s Jr. = Hardees, and freeway = interstate.  People in LA are terrible with directions and addresses.  Don’t ever trust a Californian on the definition of good pizza.  50 degrees is NOT cold.  And you won’t know the meaning of humidity until we visit your grandparents in July.