Mommy Might Be Crazy: A BIG Change of Plans

I just finished up my 4th week back to work and things have been going pretty well.  Going back to work was not as hard for me as I thought it might be.  What was REALLY hard, was letting someone else take care of you.  No surprise really.  I knew it would be.

What I didn't plan for was to sit at my desk in tears.  To dread every day that the nanny was coming to work.  To sit here all day wishing it was time for her to leave.  So we fired her.  "Fire" is maybe too harsh a word.  We're not hiring someone else.  I just decided that I could manage work and caring for you on my own.  It's not easy.  Some days are really hard.  And I get up REALLY early.  But for me, it's worth it.  I don't know if it will be something that I can make work long term, but for now it is working and I want to give it a shot for as long as I can.

The nanny was nice.  She treated you very well.  But there were some things that just didn't sit well with me.  None of those things on their own would be a big deal, but when you add them all up, and considering they all happened in only 4 days, it starts to make a bigger impact.  I'm going to list some of those things here, mostly for myself.  So that on days that I'm really exhausted or frustrated or wondering if I've lost my mind, I can look back and remember why I made this decision and know that it was the best thing at the time.

Day 1 she rearranged my kitchen cabinets.  This was to make room for bottles and things that didn't otherwise have a place, but it also meant moving some of the things that I use every day.  And when you get down to it, it's MY kitchen and I had things the way that I wanted them.

Day 1 she told me what type of pacifier I should be using and that I needed to buy more of that type.  It happened to be my least favorite of the pacifiers we have.

Day 1 she told me I needed to buy bigger diapers.  Now we had already decided to get bigger diapers when we ran out, but you are still well within the weight range of the size we were using and I don't really like being told what to do for my child.

Day 3 she rearranged the clothes in your dresser.  This one really got me.  She didn't ask first.  She actually asked AFTER she already did it.  And when you get down to it, why did she CARE how I put the clothes in your dresser?  They were neatly stacked the way I liked them, everything fit and had a logical order.  I still haven't figured this out.

She would spend all day in your bedroom with the door shut.  This bothered me for a couple of reasons.  First, I would like you to get out and about a bit more than the confines of 4 walls.  Second, I wouldn't have chosen to pay the cost of a nanny to come to my home while I'm there if I didn't want to see my child during the day and to know what's going on with her.

She refused to use the baby monitor.  I admit, we live in a pretty small place and it's not always needed.  But sometimes if laundry or the dishwasher was running, she couldn't hear you if you did start crying.  On that note, I also felt that she didn't check in on you often enough considering the door was shut and she couldn't hear you.  I would sometimes get up to check on you myself and crack the door because it just made me feel better.

I often felt that she would let you cry longer than I would prefer before going to calm you.

She would change your clothes every day from whatever I had you in.  This in itself didn't really bother me much, except that she would only put you in clothes from the drawer that I specifically explained were the clothes that are still too big for you.  I realize this wasn't hurting anything and really doesn't matter, I just never understood it.

She rinsed you under running water in my kitchen sink after a dirty diaper.  Mind you I won't even add water to your bath if you are in it for fear of the water suddenly turning hot.

She was a Nazi about bottles.  Even after I told her repeatedly we are not doing bottles right now.  One day she was pushing the issue so hard and you had been so upset for long enough that I walked in and took you from her to nurse you myself.  This was a breaking point for me.  I finally had to tell her it was causing me too much stress and I refused to pump.

She would ask me things like how often I bathe you and whether I wash your hair.  They were probably innocent enough questions, but it made me feel like she was questioning my parenting.

She wanted to buy me a baby bathtub, a rice cooker, and bring you different toys.  None of these are particularly bad things, but Johnathon and I have spent a lot of time purging our household to ensure we DON'T have a lot of extra things we don't need here.  And I didn't see any problem with the toys you already have.

I felt like she would try to keep you from seeing me for the entire day.  This goes back to spending the whole day in the bedroom and walking the long way around to get to the kitchen.  By the time she left at the end of the day I missed you dearly.

Day 3 she asked for her next day off.

She wanted lots of Mondays off.  I later found out it was so she could work more hours for another family instead of us.

She was very concerned with getting lots of time off for herself but seemed to feel that it was unfair for us to take our own vacation if that meant we wouldn't need her for a week here and there.

She asked for a raise twice before her first day.  (HELLO, why didn't this clue me in sooner?!?)

We still haven't located our McDonalds coupons or my favorite pen.  I realize this is petty.  We can certainly live without the McDonalds coupons, but it's just the curious factor of where did they go?  Did she throw them away?  Hide them?  Take them?  I'd had that pen longer than I've known your father.

By Day 3 I was questioning our decision to go this route.  So we talked it over and I slept on it for several days and we even gave her one more day to see if I changed my mind.  Johnathon was supportive of whatever I decided to do and we decided to give it a try just you and me.  And that's just what we're doing.

Some days are really hard.  Some days I wonder if I'm crazy.  But I love having the extra time with you, even if it means I am running a little ragged.  I get up at 5:30, shower, and can usually start work by 6:00.  You and Daddy are still sleeping.  Usually.  From that point on the day can be pretty unpredictable.  While you are sleeping I do nothing but work.  That means that while you are awake, we sit down together for me to eat meals, you watch me do laundry and make the bed and brush my teeth.  I am still learning that I just have to stop what I'm doing when you need attention, even if it's not always convenient.  You often sit with me at my desk if I need to finish something quickly or respond to an email.  Each morning I pull the Pack N Play and Go Pod right up next to my work station so I can get some work done while you're awake.  But for the most part I take big breaks between your naps.  I want to make sure you always get the attention you need and never become neglected because of my work.

I've made myself a few ground rules to make sure that you (and I) are still getting out enough, getting fresh air, and seeing the world a little bit.  (1)  We go on walks a minimum of 3 days per week.  (2)  We meet Daddy for dinner after work once per week and we make sure to get you out of your stroller so you can look around and see what's going on.  (3)  We must get you out of the apartment at least once each day on the weekends.

And so far, I think it's working.  I think that over the coming weeks and months I'll figure out better what works and what doesn't and we'll just figure it out as we go along.  I think we make a good team.